Back to the Story

I’ve realized recently that part of the reason I’ve struggled to find the words to continue my testimony is that I’ve maybe lost the forest for the trees. The tiny details aren’t as important as the overall point to my testimony - the moment the Lord opened my heart to Him, and how He’s shown His faithful protection even in the darkest of circumstances. Our church is currently in a series called Collide, focusing on specific stories in the gospels of those who collided with Jesus, and how it changed everything. That's really the point of this blog. So, to finally pick back up on my story, I decided to post a variation of the testimony I had the opportunity to share during a service at our former church back in August of 2023. Here it is: 

God has always been a presence in my life, and even though I’ve known that the pursuit of a relationship with Him is the ultimate goal, I never quite felt the connection in my heart until the spring of 2023. I’d felt a strong pull to attend the local live stream of the IF:Gathering that the women’s ministry was hosting at our church at the time. If asked ahead of the event, I couldn’t explain why I felt so strongly about going because at that time I was honestly angry with God. My physical health had been on a roller coaster for almost 6 years, and I had been in a pretty bad spot for almost a full year at that point, which also took a serious toll on my mental health. I was angry and afraid; I didn’t understand why God wasn’t healing me and was afraid of what would happen if my health continued on this track. I had been doing all the things to attempt to heal my physical body - doctors, naturopaths, functional medicine, dieticians, medications, supplements, lifestyle, the list goes on. I had spent the last year praying constantly, reading the Bible, and doing everything that I thought should bring me the healing I so desperately sought. Now in hindsight, it was definitely God pushing me to go, because He obviously knew what I needed before I did and put me in the right place at the right time.

Despite my feelings towards God at the time, I was excited about IF. Looking back, I can see the transformation over the course of the weekend. The focus was on Psalm 23 - The Lord is my Shepherd. Right away I started seeing God’s specific message to me and the connection to what I was going through in my life. Every speaker this weekend talked about the dark valleys they experienced or were experiencing, and I was definitely in the thick of it. Throughout the speakers Friday night, I realized that literally everything I had been doing was to check tasks off a list in the hopes that doing what I thought good Christians were supposed to do would make God answer my prayers. But I was just going through the motions, and this realization was the rock-bottom I needed to hit in order to fully understand what accepting Jesus into my heart really meant. I sat in my seat and just cried and prayed. With fat tears rolling down my cheeks, I finally admitted to God how scared I was. The word FEAR just kept repeating itself over and over in my head–the fear of the future, the fear of letting go of my need for control to let God take over. I’d just wanted the hard parts of my life to go away, so I could live my life again. But suffering is one of life’s guarantees in this world, as Jesus explicitly tells us in John 16:33. He says “...You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world.” He doesn’t promise that we won’t experience suffering, even and especially when we fully and truly accept Him into our hearts. Jesus didn’t promise that all our problems would be solved as long as we can check tasks off a list. But He DOES promise that He will be with us, protecting us, guiding us, never leaving us or abandoning us. He is our shepherd and He wants a relationship with us. It was in that realization that my transformation began.

It’s funny, because literally the week leading up to this weekend, I was thinking to myself how much I needed a week-long spa retreat to reset my mind and body so I can finally heal. But this day and a half was EXACTLY that and so much more. I realized how much heaviness I was carrying, leaving me in a constant state of stress. Letting go of that and giving it to God was what my soul needed to heal, which is what my physical body also needed to heal. I realized that that fear had caused me to live my life too comfortably, ignoring God’s nudges and calling for my life out of anxiety and fear. Could it be that He made my physical body uncomfortable for so long because I was living my life too comfortably? This is something that my husband Brent has always pushed me to do, to challenge myself and do things outside of my comfort zone. Since my health issues started 6 years ago, I realized that I’ve dealt with some level of anxiety most of my life, and it’s caused me to avoid situations that bring out those anxious feelings. Brent has been calling out my self-destructive habits (like watching drama-filled reality TV) and trying to push me to take risks and stop avoiding things that are hard or uncomfortable. He’s been right all along, and I now appreciate him so much more as I realize how much of a God-given gift he is. 

I also realized how selfish my heart is; I get sucked into the “woe is me” victim mentality, instead of taking the servant’s heart that Jesus calls us to have. This thought pattern is straight from the enemy and contributed greatly to my poor mental health. It was ALL OVER EVERYTHING in my life, from family to work to how I approached my relationship with God and Jesus - and that was the big AH-HA. My relationship was so ME-centered; what could I get out of this, how does this impact ME, what do I need to do to get what I want out of this relationship. That’s not the point at all; it’s all for God’s glory and His purpose for me, not my own glory. Now my heart is so full of Jesus that I want nothing more than to have the closest relationship to him as possible. I WANT to learn everything I can about God and Jesus, and how I can fulfill his will for my life for HIM. Even my health issues seem insignificant because I have fully put my trust in God, that He is my shepherd and will guide, support, and protect me through anything and everything I go through in life, just as He promises us He will. God says in Isaiah 41:10, “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with my righteous right hand.”

Even though my physical body is not healed, that has not affected my hope and faith in Christ and the truth that God is good. C. S. Lewis said “Life with God is not immunity from difficulties, but peace within difficulties.” I’ve been able to give Him control and I’ve been much more at peace. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my days when I struggle with worry and doubt, and sometimes even anger and sadness, but on those days I know I need to lean more into Jesus. My physical body is a gift from God that needs to be cared for and nurtured in order to carry out His plans and purpose for me. So much of the health of our physical bodies is rooted in our mental and spiritual health, and God speaks to us through our ailments in our physical bodies. I believe that the current state of my own physical body is a representation of the current state of my heart and spirit, both in an ongoing state of sanctification through Jesus, a slow healing of my mind, heart, soul, and body that’s bringing me closer to Him. Part of this process of spiritual formation for me has also made me confront some inner demons and false idols I’ve created that have been consuming my life for years, when I should have been consumed by the Lord. Even though my ultimate prayer for complete healing has yet to be answered, I am constantly seeing Jesus move in my life and answer other prayers of mine. From this whole experience, I know that I need to commit to continue taking Godly risks to increase my endurance for the race He has laid out for me. That’s what brings me here this morning to share my story with all of you, because this is definitely not in my comfort zone! I hope that in sharing, this reaches at least one heart and encourages you to lean into Jesus when you’re in the darkest of valleys. He loves us, He comforts us, He gives us rest and His peace, and He is so good.

More to come...