In the Beginning...of Motherhood

In my 38th trip around the sun, it feels like the right time to begin to share my testimony and journey to healing through the Lord’s love, guidance, and faithfulness. God has put this on my heart over the past few months, because as 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” Jesus’ call for everyone who truly believes in Him is to share our stories of rescue and redemption in order to bring others to Him. My hope and prayer is that by sharing my testimony, it will resonate with at least one person and bring them to Jesus. He truly is “...the way, the truth, and the life…” (John 14:6a). 

My name is Kelly, and I'm a wife, mom of two amazing and active boys aged 8 and 5, a middle school special education teacher and high school girls cross country coach in Jenison, Michigan, and redeemed follower of Christ. When I look back, I can see God working in my life from really early on. But my story will focus specifically on the last 6-7 years, when my physical health took a serious turn and how finally truly opening my heart to Jesus as my loving Savior brought me the healing I so desperately sought. It’s not just a story of physical healing; I had to recognize and face many idols and demons throughout this journey, which I continue to face now. I need to emphasize that this is a story of a lifelong journey and not a story of reaching a destination. That destination is yet to come, as eternal life in heaven, which we are given a free ticket to only through the blood and sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

Before getting to the heart of my story, I have to begin when I entered the realm of motherhood with the birth of our first son, Leo, in 2016 while we were living in Green Bay, 6-7 hours away from family. I’ve always been open about my struggles as a new mom. Even though I loved this little boy with every part of my being (and still do!), I did not adjust to motherhood like I had hoped or imagined. I didn’t realize how much lack of sleep and the loss of my sense of independence would impact my mental health. I felt so isolated in those early weeks, especially because I was the first of our friends in Green Bay to have kids, and we were so far away from the support of family. Then add in the fact that Leo, who was a BIG baby at 9lb 5oz, wasn’t gaining weight, and my own issues with breastfeeding made me feel like I was a failure. I was exhausted to my core, worried out of my mind, and at a loss as to what to do about it. 

Looking back, I’m fairly certain I had signs of Postpartum Anxiety. Evenings were the worst, probably because I was so anxious about the nights ahead. When we finally figured out that Leo had a tongue tie, after our amazing lactation consultant advocated for me to our pediatrician (praise the LORD!), Leo was finally gaining weight, and we were able to settle into a routine. I have to give a shout-out to my Trail Angels during that time, too. Kristin, a good friend in Michigan who was ahead of me in her motherhood journey, was always willing to talk to and advise me when I had questions. And Kim, our amazing friend in Green Bay, was always willing to drop everything to bring me a Shamrock Shake, adult conversation, trashy movies, and a much needed break. It takes a village, and God gave me mine even when I felt the most isolated. But a piece of that stress and anxiety has stayed with me, even now. The mental load moms carry is real and it’s heavy. It was a big piece of the puzzle of my declining physical health that was to come. Through God’s guidance, grace, mercy, and love, I was able to recognize it and begin my healing journey years later.

Friends, motherhood (and parenthood in general) is HARD; there is no doubt about that. It hasn't been until recently that moms have started to speak out about just how hard it is because of the guilt and shame we feel surrounding a mission we've been called by God to take on. How can we feel this way about the gifts the Lord has given us, about the tiny humans who need us, who are a part of us, and who we love with all our hearts? I'm here to tell you that it's OKAY to feel that way. As Jennie Allen says in her new book Untangle Your Emotions, "Feelings aren't meant to be fixed; feelings are meant to be felt." If Jesus promised us one thing, it was that we will have trouble in this world. BUT He also promised us that He will be with us on the highest mountains and in the darkest valleys, guiding us and giving us peace and rest. He says in John 16:33, "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world," (CSB). He gets it, and He's given us a community of moms who also get it. You are never alone in whatever you're going through. That's what I hope you take from this blog; that when your hearts and eyes are open to the Lord, you'll see Him working in EVERY area of your life. He loves you more that we can ever wrap our minds around. And He wants you to rest in Him.