When He Calls, He Equips

When God opens doors and calls us to new opportunities, seasons of transition and waiting are inevitable, but that certainly doesn’t make them easy. My family and I were called to move back home to Michigan, but we were living in limbo. Brent moved back in May, and a little over a month later, Leo and I finally joined him. I didn’t have a teaching job yet, so we first moved into an apartment until we knew the area where I’d be working. After contacting multiple complexes within a 20 mile radius of GVSU, we found only one that was available at the time we needed it. We signed a 6-month lease, knowing that would be more than enough time to figure out where we wanted to put down roots and buy a house. We moved in and quickly discovered that this transitional period of our lives was going to be really uncomfortable. I have to be open and honest here; my initial intention was to blame those feelings of discomfort on our current circumstances, especially the conditions of the particular complex we moved into. However, as I began to actually write this post, something didn’t feel right. It’s clear that the Lord is continually revealing aspects of myself I need to process through and is leading me in a different direction for this part of my story. 

I’ve always been someone who takes comfort in the known, so the process of finding, obtaining, and starting a new job brings me great anxiety. In high school when my parents forced me to get a summer job, I HATED going into places to ask if they were hiring. I was so insecure at that age that hearing a “No” felt like a personal rejection. However, at this stage of my life getting a job was absolutely necessary, so my job search began before I left Green Bay. The feelings of anxiousness I felt about the process alone plus the weight of the uncertainty that I would even find a job by the time the school year started was at times overwhelming. This was also the first summer I was spending home full-time with Leo, and that brought its own level of stress. I know some moms thrive in staying home full-time, but at that point in my life I was not adjusting as well as I’d hoped to motherhood.  If I’m really honest with myself, I know the stress, anxiety, and overwhelm I felt had taken root in my mind and body, and I was probably depressed on some level. I had lost my identity in this move back home, and I was still mourning my independence. I had this romanticized version of coming home and doing all these fun summer activities with Leo while finding my dream job effortlessly, but I found myself lacking motivation to do much of anything; I was in survival mode. 

Our summer days turned into a monotonous blend of movies, snacks, and trying to get Leo to nap so I could shower, read a book, or take a nap myself. The local trail system ran through our complex, so a lot of days I’d take him out in the jogging stroller for a run, in an attempt to keep at least some of my sanity. I also took him up north to visit Brent’s parents and to the east side to visit mine. My collegiate cross country and track coach connected me with the coach at a local high school knowing I wanted to continue coaching, so getting out was taking Leo to their summer conditioning practices. Beyond that, just thinking about taking him out to do any sort of errand or activity, like the park, was exhausting to me, knowing I’d have to be on high alert the whole time. So I just didn’t. I was both lost and stuck. My life didn’t feel like my own anymore, and I didn’t know which direction I was headed. 

All through this, I was applying and interviewing for teaching positions in the area. The first two I interviewed for were high school special ed positions, which were similar to positions that I’d held in the past and the level I preferred to teach. Geographically they were on opposite sides of the area from each other, one about 40 minutes north of GVSU, and the other 40 minutes south, neither of which were in ideal locations nor did they have open coaching positions. However, Brent and I agreed that I needed to get my foot in the door somewhere, so I planned to accept whichever offer came through first. And in this case, it was neither. It was a difficult pill to swallow and didn’t help alleviate the stress and anxiety I was already feeling. 

In mid-July, I started noticing that the constant tightness in my chest had traveled down into my gut. I was constantly uncomfortable, bloated, gassy, and constipated. I didn’t think anything of it at first because, as a former collegiate runner, you become desensitized to that type of thing. However, I remember one specific morning that I woke up to some bloody diarrhea, and I knew something wasn’t right. The stress of the last few months was building and beginning to manifest itself physically in my body. But I kept telling myself it would get better as soon as I had a job and life was a little bit less uncertain.

Then an elementary special ed position opened up in a school district in the same county as GVSU, and even though I had no interest or experience working at the elementary level, this was the same district in which I was volunteering with the high school girls cross country team, so I decided to apply. I obtained an interview, which went surprisingly well, and I was called back for a 2nd interview that involved teaching a phonics lesson to lower-elementary summer school students. Despite my inexperience at this level, by the grace of God my lesson went extremely well. I hadn’t even made it home before they called me to offer me the position, which I immediately accepted. Things were finally starting to fall into place. I had a job that was close to Brent's, so we knew the area we would now look for a house. Through family connections, we found an in-home daycare for Leo that was in the same township as my new school district. Relief from the stress of the unknown was finally here.

That relief quickly changed to more anxiety as reality started to set in. This new teaching position I accepted felt like I was starting over in my career as a brand new teacher. Just the structure of the elementary school day was new to me, not to mention the content I was expected to teach and classroom management I was to implement. I felt totally in over my head, but I was grateful for a job and ready to figure it out. I knew that God had a plan for me; I wasn’t offered the two positions I interviewed for first, and it was soon made very clear that God put me in this particular district for a reason. 

That reason was made clear during a new-teacher training in mid-August, when the athletic director stopped in to talk to me privately. Without going into too much detail, he let me know that I was now the new head high school girls cross country coach due to unfortunate unforeseen circumstances. Coaching is a huge passion of mine, and I was hoping to have an opportunity to coach again in Michigan. However, these were not the circumstances I would ever want to take over a program. My feelings of excitement were juxtaposed with feelings of anxiety and fear, because I knew this change was likely to cause tension and resentment among athletes on the team. And I was not wrong. 

Over the next few months my stress and anxiety levels continued to rise while my physical health continued to decline. I was experiencing Imposter Syndrome to the fullest extent, as I was trying to navigate a brand new teaching role while supporting hurt and angry athletes through a really tough transition. I had never doubted my knowledge and skills as a coach until now, but I had BIG shoes to fill and a lot of people I was trying to prove myself to. Even though I believed God put me in this position for a reason, I didn’t want to be in this situation. I already had issues with insecurity, of being both too much and not enough, and those feelings were brought out to the front and center. At this point in my life, I didn’t truly believe that He was working in me, but He was. He was working through me for the good of my athletes and to fulfill His purpose in me for His glory. He was sanctifying me, refining me in the fire. And that’s exactly what it felt like.

Just because God calls us down particular paths doesn’t guarantee that those paths will be straight and smooth. Instead they’re often bumpy with a lot of twists and turns, which we are not equipped to handle on our own. Think of Moses, who suffered from self-doubt, leading Israel out of slavery in Egypt. And David, who was a mere shepherd and smallest among his brothers, who defeated the giant Goliath. The Lord doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called. We are meant to lean into God for direction and protection, for He tells us, “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold you with my righteous right hand,” (Isaiah 41:10 CSB). He promises He will never leave us. Although this is something that I believe with every fiber of my being now, it would take a lot more suffering over the next several years before I finally opened my heart to Jesus to allow Him to begin the healing process that went far beyond my physical health. 

“Now may the God of peace, who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus—the great Shepherd of the sheep—through the blood of the everlasting covenant, equip you with everything good to do his will, working in us what is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen,” (Hebrews 13:20-21 CSB).